Letting Go of Chaos

Picture a hamster running, forever running on a squeaky wheel.  Amidst the constant chatter and chaos inside of me, that is what my brain looks like to me.  It is rare that I get a moment of peace inside.  Right now it’s about a thousand times worse, and despite how tired I feel, I need to purge it out so I can sleep.  I do tend to have insomnia and lay awake many nights trying to calm the beast that resides in my head.  It’s constant and it is often difficult for me to decipher what I want, what is real, and what is simply chasing an old dream that can’t be caught.  My feelings are trapped like a fly desperately struggling to escape the web.

I’ve got my mind on some things and while the feelings seem real, I have been wondering these last few days if it is simply a matter of old habits die hard.  I wish I could properly sort these feelings for fear that if I don’t, I will grow old alone.  What I perceive is not necessarily a reality for the future.  Hanging onto that old torch is not going to help me move forward.  But if after almost two decades of not having someone in my life on a consistent basis and I’m still not completely over it, how do I move on?  I don’t want to set myself up for heartbreak and failure.  I don’t want to keep turning down potentially positive romances in life in hopes that I’m making the right decision waiting around.  They say good things come to those who wait.  I think that’s an excellent piece of advice, as long as I’m not waiting for the wrong reasons.  I certainly don’t want to be a rebound and I don’t want to do anything for the wrong reasons.  I’m torn between feeling a sense of loyalty and then there’s being true to myself.  I tell myself true happiness would come in time with a certain someone.  I do respect myself enough to realize I’m not ready to be with anyone at this point anyway.  And after trying to have good conversation with a potential mate for about three days, I realized it’s not fair to him or any neutral party to fall victim to my unintentionally hurting him over old feelings.

Talking with my friend T reinforces what I already know deep inside.  I need to get myself right in the head and then distinguish between real feelings and fantasy before I can be with anyone.  Whether it’s the man I carry the torch for, or another man.  The one that is back in my life, I don’t want to lose his friendship.  But I don’t want to lose my sanity either.  I know I can’t have what I want right now and I need to be patient with that and myself.  What’s meant to be will happen and maybe there is no purpose, no fate, no destiny in this weird phase in our lives.  Maybe there’s no rhyme or reason to it and I should just accept it.  

I deleted his text tonight in hopes that I’ll stop trying so hard to reach out every time I see his name.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love the times we spend together.  But I decided I have enough self respect to stop chasing a dream.  I will let the dream chase me, if it’s real, and then I will find out what could be.  I’m sure my girl T would agree, that’s an excellent approach.  She also always emphasizes on being friends first.  Don’t jump into anything.  Just form a friendship and get to know someone before deciding whether it’s worth pursuing.  I love that girl.  She’s so insightful and has taught me so much this year.  She’s such a wonderful being and I feel blessed to have her as my friend.

In short, I’m letting it be.  I just can’t keep holding onto something that couldn’t be a reality at this point anyway.  I don’t know how to recover from old feelings and just judge situations like this based on new ones.  If anyone has advice on letting go, by all means, please feel free to leave a comment.  I do seem to have a hard time not living in the past in general.  This does tend to cause emotional chaos in my life and I really would love to change that and come back to planet Earth.  I bet then and only then would I find true peace, and the hamster could finally rest.